whomever is leaving the anonymous posts
can forget me mentioning anything to randi
she is an adult and will figure things out when time comes.
You must remain out of their lives and live your own.
If you are so concerned with it, tell her yourself.
Otherwise, I will have no mess in this bloody drama.

Second--
To all my lovely readers...
What I post in here is what I am thinking
This is my place to bitch
BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH

I am in no way, trying to use
my notes or blogging in the form
of persuasions or arguement.
Read what I have to say
then move on.
Don't bug me asking if it was
about you, or someone else.
Just accept what is written.

If you have a problem,
address me in person/phone call
NOT over text
NOT over facebook
NOT over myspace
NOT over AIM

It pisses the hell out of me
because you can read,
but can't interpret the meaning
behind that which was read.
Ok, I'm done bitching.
ADIOS!

typical update

Dunno,

I ended something today that should
have been ended probably when I came
down here, but it never happened.

Last night was one of the worst
nights I have ever had with another
person. I can't explain the feeling
except to say that I don't want
to feel like that ever again.

So, I definitely forgot my bookbag
in my friends car...who came visited me.
They went back to fort wayne.
So, I had melissa take me to meet
my parents in wabash so that I
might collect what belonged to me.

After having a couple conversations
I half way found my self,
but again lost myself to nothing.
I dunno, I wanna change
but its the changing part that is hard.

I really like this guy. He knows
that I like him, but he doesn't
want anything except for friends.
Some circumstances are also a factor.
I dunno what to do...
I'm about to give up on love...

AARRRGGHHHH!! Wow, today has not been my day.
I wake up this morning a little groggy, then rolled out
of bed to eat lunch with Megan, Steven, and Andy.
I was a little edgy because of my certain nicotine not
being present. Then after lunch out of nowhere, I
have this anger that builds inside of me.
My emotions go through the roof,
my thoughts are never ending...
it was pure HELL!!!

I finally went for a jog...I feel a little better...
but now I have someone pissed at me...not cool.

I'm out...homework calls!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MELLY!!!
I LOVIE YOU!!

Your Hidden Talent

You have the power to persuade and influence others. You're the type of person who can turn a whole room around. The potential for great leadership is there, as long as you don't abuse it. Always remember, you have a lot more power over people than you might think!

What's Your Hidden Talent?

grr...i am up still up.

i need to be up in about

3.5 hours...hehe.

Oh well. I hate the fact

that we have brains

or can just randomly think.

when you think things are fine

they hit you back in the face.

waaaaaaBBAAAAAAAMMMMMM!!!

You don't know what to do.

I'm leaving soon.

but not soon enough.

I have some good friends I

am leaving behind. :(

I can't be here to support them.

it makes me sad. I'm glad I met them.

Well, i'm gonna go, bye!

Your Love Style is Agape

You are a caring, kind, and selfless partner. Unsurprisingly, your love style is the most rare. You are willing to sacrfice your world for your sweetie. Except it doesn't really feel like sacrifice to you. For you, nothing feels better than giving to the one you love.

What's Your Love Style?

hey hey hey!!
givin a holla
from the west laf area!!

Sup yos?? I am here
only for a couple days.
I need a break time.
I LOOOOOVE IT here!!

peace out!

pooped!

So I decided today that I would run. I haven't done it since

October and I have a lot of emotional build up.

Running has always helped me to drain that problem.

But lets just say that

#1 it was hott and muggy.
#2 definitely out of shape
#3 still not drinking enough water
#4 i am dog gone tired!!!

Welp, I'm out.

gay v. straight

Seven Reasons Why Gay People Are Better Than Straight People

You know you think it all the time. Now it is justified.

1) When we have kids it's because we really want them. Goodness knows we all hear about those silly "breeders" who practice unsafe sex and then get a "surprise" one day. Gay people don't have it so easy. When we want to have children there's always a third party (be it a test-tube, a surrogate, an adoption agency, etc.), adding to the already great challenge of deciding to become a mother or a father. We're not saying it makes us better parents, but OK, that's what we're saying. 2) We have better style. If we didn't, would there have been a Queer Eye for the Straight Guy? We think not. And given that most celebrated male fashion designers bat for our team, we rest our case. 3) We set the trends. How else can you explain us wearing $500 designer jeans years before they were popular? And where would metrosexuality be if we hadn't been getting ourselves plucked and waxed for eons? These may not be good things, but still, we were there first. 4) We take better care of ourselves. You know you walked into your 10-year high school reunion with more hair, fewer wrinkles, less fat, and better fashion than any other guy in your class. Be proud. 5) When it comes to partying, we do it up right. Every straight gal pal of yours (and some of your hetero guy friends too) tells you they have more fun at a gay club than they do at a straight club. And naturally most of the hottest party planners are queer. It's because we're more fun. No really, we are. 6) We are devoted. Be good to us, we'll be good to you. No matter the generation, we stick with our divas (see Judy, Barbra, Bette, Madonna). And, hey, we're brand loyal too! 7) Watch out for our wit. Growing up as outsiders (to one degree or another) forces us to be verbally fast on our feet. So be nice, or a cutting remark will slice you down to size.

moving on...the most important thing in life.
What is meant to be will be...
Cherish those who love you.

Almost a month to go...can't wait!

This is fucking hard, fucking hard!
Part of me wants to go,
Part of me wants to stay.
Life has been too depressing...
I'm tired, tired beyond belief.
I wept for two weeks.
Thought things were better.
I just want to talk, to let you know.
How sorry I am. Sorry for not talking,
sorry for the nights I was too tired to go,
those memories that never happened,
sorry for making you feel like shit.
I'm trying, but i can't deny.
I loved you, I love you, I will love you.
Four years...might turn into one.

I can't go on in life feeling this way.
I have tried so much, different ways.
The only way out, could be the last.
One more look, one more breath,
it will be all over. I won't have
to worry anymore...no more feelings.
Make it quick, for pain I cannot endure.

Fly Away - Sugarland

Oh I swear this town gets smaller everyday,
and I'm waitin for my chance.
I'm gonna break away.
I'm so sick and tired of being told what's good for me.
People got lots of ideas, of who I'm supposed to be.

(Chours)
Angel carry me, oh so far away.
May my body never... touch the ground.
And If I promise you that I'll be back someday,
will you set me free so I can fly away?

Fly away... fly away...

Well most folks here well they don't dig too deep.
They can't dream too big... ummmmhmmm...
cause they've got fields to keep
I could walk away and leave my family.
Or get buried alive in this legacy.

(Chorus)

I wanna sleep under a different piece of sky
I wanna live a little bit before I die
I wanna be so close to heaven I see angels...

(Chorus)

Fly away... fly away...

Seems like just yesterday,
You were a part of me,
I used to stand so tall,
I used to be so strong,
Your arms around me tight,
Everything it felt so right,
Unbreakable like nothing could go wrong,
Now I can't breathe,
No I can't sleep,
I'm barely hanging on,

Here I am,
Once again,
I am torn into pieces,
Can't deny it,
Can't pretend,
Just thought you were the one,
Broken up deep inside,
But you won't get to see the tears I cry,
Behind these hazel eyes,

I told you everything,
Opened up and let you in,
You made me feel alright,
For once in my life,
Now all that's left of me,
Is what I pretend to be,
So together but so broken up inside,
'Cause I can't breathe,
No I can't sleep,
I'm barely hanging on,

Here I am,
Once again,
I am torn into pieces,
Can't deny it,
Can't pretend,
Just thought you were the one,
Broken up deep inside,
But you won’t get to see the tears I cry,
Behind these hazel eyes,

Swallowed me then spit me out,
For hating you, I blame myself,
Seeing you it kills me now,
No I don't cry On the outside,
anymore....anymore,

Here I am,
Once again,
I am torn into pieces,
Can't deny it,
Can't pretend,
Just thought you were the one,
Broken up deep inside,
But you won't get to see the tears I cry,
Behind these hazel eyes,

Here I am,
Once again
I am torn into pieces,
Can't deny it,
Can't pretend,
Just thought you were the one,
Broken up deep inside,
But you won't get to see the tears I cry,
Behind these hazel eyes

i miss purdue :*(
I miss Mel and Meg...

school

I definitely think I can adjust next year.
This week has allowed me to escape the
drama of home life. IT has allowed me
just to be me. Thank you so much
Mel for hanging out with me and
for putting up with my gay ass.

You definitely made my experience
worthwhile and assures me I will
be ok next year.

Kudos to megan for fun times as well!!
Super man to the rescue!!!

16 things to do in wal-mart

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone," 'Code 3' in housewares".... and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream.."NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!
16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "go, pikachu, go!"

I don't know what to think anymore. I am tired of complaining. I am tired of whining. I"m tired of getting walked on. I pour my life out to someone only to have thiem rip it apart. I feel like shit, major shit. I loved a person who didn't even love me in the same way. I want to be friends, but it seems as though they have forgotten me. they don't want to do anything. i'm no longer of any importance, just a waste of time. whatever, this is bullshit. blahhh...arrgghh!

happiness

Who ever said money can't
buy you happiness obviously
didn't try SHOPPING!!

Definitely got back from the mall.
Used money from graduation
and I am feeling so good right now.
It is quite odd, but I love buying
new clothes...hehe. Well,
I am off, later gator!

Joke: Flight Attendant

The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be sssssuper."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute enginesssss. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch."

no more...

*Sigh*
Don't know what more I can take....

My brother, my mom, my uncle, coworker...

Emotions are flying everywhere and
I don't know what to think.
Co-worker was killed in a
homocide the other night. I just
read the article over the incident
and it made me sick to my stomach.
I just need air, room to breathe.
I need to escape. I need someone to help
me...........................................................

no fun...

tired, tired, tired, tired, tired!!
This has been a most definite
interesting year.

Senior year- fun, living, having a blast,
finishing school, partying, etc

My Senior Year-
One bad break up, mom getting married,
brother in coma, brother in rehab( same bro)
uncle killed, senior drama, lilly scholarship,
FFA. My year equals the bus rides down to
Trafalgar, IN. They are bumpy and this bus
is definitely going 80!!

I am emotionally drained. I don't know what
more I can take. It started with the marriage
of my mother. Then it continued with the near
fatal accident of my brother, which led to couple
months of disrupted family life, closely following a
break-up with a close friend and finally, but not last
an unexpected death of my uncle. Talk about
roller coaster ride. I cry, but then I can't.
I don't know how I feel or to feel.

I am really disturbed by the news media. I don't
know how many know, but my uncle dealt with drugs.
He was killed in his home, Wednesday after three massive
explosions. Investigators believe there was a meth lab
established and that was at least the first explosion.
They don't know full details, but are still investigating.
Reading the papers, the journalist first kills the memory
by ruining the title line. Then, as it is hard enough to
deal with this, they add the part where the neighbor thought
he heards screams coming from the house.
WHO WANTS TO KNOW THAT?? Don't you think
my family, my grandparents are greiving enough
and now adding that he might have suffered? He was
a kind, caring man who had a great illness.
He loved his children, family, and ex-wife (long story)
but he for some reason couldn't let go.

Sometimes, I swear they go to far!!

Blah...I can't wait for state convention to
see Melissa. Then I can't wait for August
to start my life. This place is too much right now.

Just when you think things are getting better,
something comes along that ruins it.
I recently found out that my uncle brian died
yesterday in a house fire. He was a close friend.
If you don't know my uncle, then you can't quite
understand my mother's loss or the family's.
You see, he used to be an acoholic, abusive, and druggie.
My other uncle (his brother) turned him in.
Brian went through rehab, turned his life around
completely. He was doing so well. Things in the
marriage didn't do so well, but thats ok.
We were all proud of him. I don't know how my
mother is handling this. She doesn't know either
which is a good thing. With something like this
it is better to be unsure then trying to fake an answer.
She almost lost adam, but has watched him relearn life.
She has now lost her brother. What more can she take?

Freedom

I am out at last!!!
Finally, no more bullshit to
put up with. Yippee.
So, I don't know exactly what I am
going to do with my time.
I feel like an adventure but I have
no money. Yo so y pobre.

Any hoo, I am single again.
Tis alright. It might be best
that Dave and I be friends for now.
I will be venturing to my home
sweet home in August. I am
EXCITED!!! I will get to see
Melissa every single day.
I hope she is ready for some gay loving!


Just trying on my graduation gown

i am bored...

I am so ready to get out of school!!!
It is driving me nuts!!!
Not really, I just want to do
something actually constructive
with my time instead of doing nothing
inside a building that I loath.

rough...

Days are getting rough,
the number is getting smaller.
I can't wait for August to arrive
so that I can get outta here!!!

I saw my brother tonight. He is
out of the specialty care unit,
but in a rehab at parkview-ft wayne.
There they are trying to help him
become more independent. Basically
he is out of the coma, but doesn't have
control over his body. He is in the
process of relearning all of that.
My sister's 16th birthday was today
and she wanted to have a little celebration
at the hospital so my brother may be
apart of it. I was fine the whole time
until it was time to leave. You see,
it is hard for me to witness my mom going
through what she is. It kills me deep down inside.
She had little tears in her eyes.
Mindy (basically Adam's gf) had tears too.
My mom and dad were trying to help him (adam) walk.
It was hard for me to watch. I slowly became teary
myself. They sat him back down and took him to his room,
where they were going to put him in his bed.
My mom leaned down and he (adam) gave her a hug
and a little kiss. i lost it. i don't
know what to do. Mom said I had to tell him
bye. I didn't want to do it, but i did.
I sucked it up, and started to give him a hug.
He reached up and gave one back. i lost it again.
its hard, but i know he loves me. i was scared
of what he thought of me being gay, my own brother.
We have a long road to go yet.

My friend Randi is in Jamaica right now and
I can't talk to her. I am graduating in
four weeks, and I am super excited. State convention
is in less that a month, yippee!! Melissa is going
to help sign up for classes. I miss melissa too!!
I should go down there and stay a weekend once
things aren't so crazy. I am glad randi
is away. She doesn't have to put up with
some of the shit that is happening. I have
people telling me her bf is a backstabbing jerk
who is just using her. Randi tells me she is
in love with this boy and wants to get married someday.
I don't know what to think. I am not sure if
I trust him either. I am excited for Randi,
but something inside of me tells me
something is wrong. I dunno, just don't know.

day at mall...

purdizzle

I am at Purdue University, West Lafayette
right now. I am having a pretty decent time.
I am just relaxing, enjoying the minutes of the
day. However, like my previous blog, I miss
my david. It was my decision to come down here
but I miss him very much. Not being able to see
him like I have the past month every single night
it killing me.

Anyways, I bought Narnia today, I am excited.
I also drove around Lafayette. I am loving
these big cities. Welp, I'm gonna go pounce on
my dear Randers, who is painting her toe nails.
(muahahahahaha)!

life...

Ehh.....
Things are a little off.
Dave and I are doing
pretty splendid. I must
say that this boy makes
me feel like the prince
(queen)that I am.
He is so genuine and
sincere.

Another note, came home
after work on Saturday to
find out that my brother
is in a coma at the ICU
Parkview in Fort Wayne.
i don't know how i feel about it,
we weren't really close. i feel uneasy
about it. i wasn't so much affected
by it until i saw him.
thats when the tears came.
i've been kind of uneasy since.

I have to be strong for my mom.
My sisters can cry, but if I
do, my mom is going to lose
it. She has already stepped
outside of herself, so that
she is more a third party.
If she doesn't, she is going
to go insane, barrened with
pain, and saddnes.

Well, I don't have much more to say.

frontline

I dont remember when I last posted
granted the post has the date on it.
Things have been so so.
I competed at District III convention
last Friday. I got first in Impromptu.
I am excited because I now have a reason
to go to state! Yippee!!!
Dave and I are doing really well.
My affection for him growns stronger
everyday. Things I think will grow tight
in the future, but for now I am
embracing what the universe has brought
before me now.
Just the other day we did the most
romantic things. It was an incredible feeling.
School is dragging on a little bit, but I
am not letting my wits down. I need
to keep my head up and not give in.
I don't know what else to say besides
that I get to see Dave soon and I am
excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, I have a three-and-a-half day weekend!!!
Half a day today (thursday)
no school tomorrow (don't have to take finals)
then no school saturday or sunday!!!
I have hung out with Dave, as usual.
Wednesdy night was our "official" date night.
We went to Taco Bell (yes to being poor!!)
Tonight, I went over to his house,
watched ER with his family.
OOOO, last night I talked on the phone
with my Randi!! How I miss that monkey...
Tomorrow night, Dave, Jen, Amber and I are
going to Cebollas to eat dinner yum yum.
Welp, I'm out, bored crapless!!

Today, I slept in. i got ready
and went to work. it was okay,
kind of boring. after that, dave and
i hung out. OMG, he electrifies me.
I like everything about him:
physical, mental, emotional
ALL OF HIM!!!
We talked on yahoo and doodle together
(doodle skin). how he makes me smile.

Yesterday, I met Kelsey and Jamie for
breakfast and frickin 7 in the morning...
TALK ABOUT CRAZY!!!!!
I was so effin tired, people prob
thought that I was drunk or smokin
a lil pot...hehe ;)
We had so much fun, but my
grits was !
Jamie and I hung out at Wally World after.
I came home, took a nap, then I went to
Dave's to watch Rent. I met his mom,
a crazy lady (in a good way).
got a pep talk from his rents about
being vertical in public hehe.
Ate dinner, then to work, then hung
with Dave afterwards...
I can not get enough of him :)

another day...

Waking up this morning was kind of nice...
I just laid in bed, looked out the window.
I must say, I enjoy waking up this way.
Last night, my friend and I watched a movie.
It was all good. We didn't get to finish it
because he had to go home. :(
Waking up this morning I received this
stupid text from the ex saying how
he is still in love with me and yadda yadda.
I just basically kind of ignored it, he was
a jerk. So, got up, showered and such. I had
to get ready because Mel begged me to go to
Randi's grandma's funeral. So, I went. I don't
know how to describe it. It was sad. It was
hard for me to watch Randi cry. She has always
been the strong one for me, now it was her turn
to cry. I don't know, i felt kind of hopeless.
Melissa is more her best friend/sister. I am just
the little deafboy thats and stupid. I love Randi
She is like my big sister, mom, friend, wisewoman.
She's kind of had for a life the past couple
of weeks. I hope things turn around for her.

I am going crazy about this boy. I can't explain it.
The first person that I am actually interested
in him, personality wise and not just about getting
some action. he makes me feel good, happy.
i love talking to him. we talk for countless hours,
continually, whether texting, phone or face to face.
Its crazy how I feel. I can't explain it.

Melissa and I hung out today. It was to frickin
hilarious. I don't know how anyone can live
without a Melissa Higgins. Oh, wait, I don't know
how to live without a Randi + Melissa. Together,
they are like dynamite!!!!!

boys are dumb...

Mistake: I allowed myself to possess
feelings for a boy. Not just any boy,
but a straight guy. It kills to see
him everyday, to see that smile,
to hear that laugh, to see those eyes.
I am trying to get over it, knowing
it can never happen.

I recently met another guy. We talked
online and decided to meet one another.
We both had agreed we had seen each other
before, but when and where was left unknown.
From the moment I started talking to him,
things started to change, good things.
We talk all day long, texting each other
in fault that neither of us can talk directly
due to being "in" school.
We've hung out for the past three nights,
getting to know each other better.
With every passing day, with every passing
moment, I feel myself attaching to him.
Although, my feelings for the str8 guy are
still present, they are disappearing.
I feel this connection, a strange force.
Is it real or just prolonged loneliness?
I opened myself, to allow this connection
to fester, but only to be dismantled with hurt.
I knew what would happen. Instinct NEVER lies.
Intuition told me they would meet up.
Intuition told me something would happen.
Intuition told me he was still in love.
Intuition told me NOT to attach, remain closed.
Do we listen or do we find our way?
Intuition to this moment has proven right.
Intuition has left me now closed, hurt.
I wanted to cry, but I held back.
I wanted to tell, but I hid it.
I was worried, but knew what was happening.
No response, tried to think little things.
Intuition told me otherwise.
Why?

I definitely just got my ears pierced!!!

I went to the movies tonight
with a completely hot boy.
we are just friends, which
i am cool with.

we saw brokeback mountain.
if i were to give it a rating,
i would probably give it a
5.
I think the plot or synopsis could
have been staged a little better
and the flow of the general setting
could have been completely better.
GRANT, however, the idea was great
and nearly made me tear in the end.
To bad there aren't cowboys like that
here in the fort for me!!!

another day...

well...
Its been a long,
been a long
been a long
DAY!!!

Yuck, well I decided that
I would start posting on here
again. I just got tired of xanga.

Valentine's Day is more of a day
to make single people feel like
CRAP!!

Now, while I am dwelling in my own pity,
I do believe that people make to much
of this day. I mean, what is so special?

Hell, I could just declare some stupid
holiday that could be better than this.

I don't know...i'm out.